Recovery mode is on. It’s been a month since my breast reconstruction by DIEP flap surgery and it’s going well. I deferred clients for the 2 weeks following surgery and then I managed to feel good enough to see clients again. I’m surprised at how pleased I am with the surgery results even though my body still looks like Sally from The Nightmare before Christmas with all the cuts and stitches 🙂 It made me think about how I got used to my body after my mastectomy. When I was getting used to life as a flat mate (1 boob gone) I was just “fine”. No big depression, no “obvious” impact, just getting on with it. At first I wore baggy t-shirts and bought un-exciting simple bras with a fake jelly boob and simple un-exciting swim-suits with a swim proof jelly boob. At the time there wasn’t many options for bras that kept a jelly boob in place and swim wear was the same. Eventually after a few months I felt as if I was losing myself and decided to try and embrace the new body and go back to wearing whatever I wanted. I think a big part of that was meeting people at the CoppaTrek when I was walking for CoppaFeel charity based in the UK. The people I spoke to shared my thoughts on how breast cancer could have an impact on your body and I didn’t realise how much I’d been holding myself back. I have a lot to be grateful for from Team Willis. So I decided to wear my typical clothes whether it was tight or not, typical swimwear and I “didn’t care” about it, or so I thought. I just, managed. I didn’t give it much thought. I started to build a sense of pride, like battle scars, my flat mate was my battle scar. I thought to myself, I’m owning it. And I did. But, it wasn’t the whole story.
I don’t think I was in touch with how it bothered me until I saw photos of myself. Looking at myself from that “outsider” perspective and I saw it, the half flat chest and it bothered me. I think seeing it was the constant reminder of what I’d been through and all I wanted to do was forget. I wanted to move on. Life was pulling me forward, but I was seeing these reminders of what had happened.
I think it was a useful coping or protective strategy that put certain things out of my mind. Head down, one foot in front of the other going from one appointment to the next. But as cancer treatment began to slow down and ‘typical life’ came back to me, it was things like body image, processing all came to the fore. I believe it’s personal how we process. Maybe it’s quick, maybe it takes time. Maybe you need to speak to someone, maybe you do it independently. The most important thing I believe is that you give it space and time. Whatever life event you’re needing to process whether its grief of a loved one, friends moving away, relationship break up, cancer diagnosis or children leaving home, we have to sit with it and process. What that looks like, is personal.
Following my DIEP surgery I had a week in hospital which gave me some time to ponder on these things. I don’t regret having the surgery, I don’t regret the delay in taking the time to make the decision (I was able to have this surgery from 2023 but chose not to) It gave me time to find myself again, process and adjust to what had happened to me since getting my cancer diagnosis. The time in hospital made me realise how important it is to allow and accept certain medical intervention, but to not lose yourself entirely. For those first few days, I really was just a patient. I couldn’t move much and often needed pain relief and I didn’t feel like myself at all. I was in the hospital mind-set, institutionalised, almost. I decided to take some control back, I turned off the iPad (a significant factor in my brain turning mushy I think) and decided to force a little more independence. I started walking. And then I started dancing, with my drip pole. The best thing I could have done was put on my favourite tune at the time and sway. It changed my perspective tons! I found a little bit of me again. I wanted to get out of there, so whatever I needed to do, I did it. A few days later I was home.
Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not over. The recovery road for this surgery is long. Scars take time to heal and smooth out, symmetry surgery is in the future and getting used to my new body again will take time. But I’m excited for all of this. Taking back some control over my body again feels more like me. It wont ever be the same again and Cancer made that happen in 2022, but whatever the future looks like I’m here for it.
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